Wow... this is the first really tough week in a while... let's suffer through Legion #109 + 110, Legionnaires #66 + 67, and both 1,000,000 issues... abandon hope all who enter...

 

We've entered the 1,000,000 issue chaos, so I've tried to put these books into a reading order that makes sense. If it's not perfect, sorry... but neither are these books...

I've also just realized that Legion #108 was Jason Armstrong's last issue - wow, didn't even last one year... I can't honestly say I'm sad that he's gone - I know I said some nice things when he took over, but you could tell the grind of the book was getting to him by the end of his run. If you ever needed another reason to be amazed by Legion artists who last a long time, just take a look at the number of artists who bailed fairly quickly because it is the hardest DC or Marvel book to draw. I will argue that point with anyone.

LSH #109 

What do you do on the day after the Dark Circle mess ends?

If you're this incarnation of the Legion, you bring back an old editor (KC Carlson) and an old penciller (Lee Moder) and you let them do a fill-in issue starring Violet.

We also get the return of an old Legion villain, the Molecule Master. I can't say he was someone I ever cared about seeing again, but it's better than nothing.

This entire issue focuses on Vi facing off against her biggest fear - being taken over by the Emerald Eye again. We get a nice recap of everything that's happened, we get to see that Star Boy is still a goofball when he's around Dreamer, we get no resolution between Kinetix and Vi and the former is still a zombie, and we get Vi asking Chuck out on a date.

The big battle between Vi and the Eye is all in her head and didn't really happen... although the "resolution" doesn't really work, so if they really wanted to say that she did face the Eye, they could.

Look, fill-in issues are just that - they don't resolve anything, they only kinda move the plot forward, they normally let fans see different creators work on the book, and they don't really accomplish much.

Having said all that, Carlson did a great job writing from Vi's perspective, so that was good. Moder's pencils were even worse in this issue, so that was bad.

And, to be blunt, Vi is really the last person who needed more attention. There are characters in this book who are so criminally underused that it's just a shame that the editorial/creative team doesn't see that. As much as I like Violet, could we get an issue focused on Element Lad? Could he be more than just a running joke?

And just a rant because I can: the way they're wasting Kinetix is rapidly becoming criminal. How and why do you take one of the most dynamic and charismatic characters and just reduce her to one-word answers and stunned silence? I would understand if this was a completely different creative team, but it's the same writers (McCraw and Peyer) who created her? Did they just decide to butcher one of their best heroes?

Legionnaires #66 

If one fill-in issue wasn't enough, what say we go for two? KC Carlson is back and this time he's joined by penciller Mike Collins.

This issue focuses the spotlight on Invisible Kid... so, again, probably not the Legionnaire who needed the ink, but it could be worse.

We get two stories here. First, Invisible Kid is investigating a casino where the owner is manipulating the clientele to get more money, etc. He ends up getting nabbed by the owner, a girl named Charma, who he knows from his time working for EarthGov. Most of this story is either Lyle telling about his past, and his friendship with Jacques Foccart, and how he got trained to be the best spy he could be, or Charma talking about her horrible life, how her science experiments gave her the power to control men's minds, and how she wants revenge. Honestly, it's just exposition upon exposition and it really drags for the most part.

If you thought that Invisible Kid was written as perfection before, this issue just doubles down and turns him into a complete Gary Stu. He's now the Earth's greatest spy, fighter, Legionnaire, scientist, and so on, and so on. Honestly, at this point I'm stunned they haven't had someone say to him, "you're the greatest detective the Earth has seen since Batman!"

The other part of the story is Chuck and Vi's date and how the rest of the Legion is excited they're both going out. Everyone keep talking about how lonely Chuck is, but isn't he the guy who hung out with Triad and spends time with Tenzil and the others at the HQ? This really seemed forced as if they were trying their best to convince the readers that this was good when it was really just... nothing.

Invisible Kid II is one of my favorites and to see him relegated to this role was just... aggravating. I get they're trying to pull everything together, but they basically removed everything that made him interesting in the original continuity. Saying I hate this is an understatement. Jacques represented so much in the original Legion - he was one of the only characters who you could say was the "average joe" in a super-hero costume. He was the first well-written black character in the Legion. He was the first African in the Legion. Now... he's just Lyle's motivation and unlucky best friend.

I did like how they made Charma far better than before, but not by much. I think this new take on her could be done very well, even though she doesn't really get to do much here.

And, I never thought I'd say this, but the art was worse than last issue! Amazing.

This was a complete waste of time for everyone involved and you can hold this issue up as a reason sales number are cratering at this point.

LSH #1,000,000 and Legionnaires #1,000,000 

So I have absolutely no memory of the DC One Million mini-series. I'm sure I read it - I pretty much bought everything Grant Morrison wrote at the time - but I'm completely blanking on it. Let's see if these issues make sense without any other knowledge.

All of these stories take place in the 853rd century and we are introduced to the Justice Legion L, made up of Cosmicboy, Implicate Girl, Brainiac 417, Titangirl, the Chameleon, the Umbra, and the M'onelves.

I'm not getting my hopes up...

We're introduced to the team as we learn some of them are the result of two planets coming together (Colu and Bgtzl) and some evolving (Cargg) but they're still, essentially, doing the same thing - fighting to save the universe. They face some threats, half of the team seems to be useless (like the Chameleon having to be convinced to do anything - why is he there?) and the others actually act without worrying about the consequences. As heroes, they're really lame.

I gotta be honest - this issue really just feels like Tom Peyer is trying his best to write like Grant Morrison and it's pretty hit and miss. The story is pretty empty and, since everything happens so far in the future, there really are no stakes. We don't care about anyone.

It was very nice to see Sean Phillips handling the artwork. I never think of him as being able to handle sci-fi (his crime and magic books are amazing) so it was great to see him do something that was unexpected. If there's one bonus to these fill-in issues, it's something like this, where we get to see a new artist show off their skills.

We end with the team going back 1,000 years and summoning that version of Superboy to assist them in their future.

With Legion #1,000,000 we start even further in the future, where three farm kids find a comic book and are then exposed to the story of the Justice Legion L fighting against monsters that shrug off their mightiest blows. But they're actually not real. Titangirl, who's also not real but a construct of the minds of everyone on Titan, is trying to break down the U.P. so the people on Titan don't learn that truth - that their home doesn't really exist. The three kids, excited by this story, become superheroes themselves and... that's it.

For those of you who don't understand what kind of talent Keith Giffen was, he took this badly-written story and turned in a pencilling job that elevated it. With one issue, this book actually felt like it took place in the future, something it's been lacking for a while. It's fascinating to me how just the simple character designs and locations are enough to make the science fiction element shine through. It's that Giffen blockiness with a huge Kirby influence, but it makes for a very different book than what we've been reading.

You may have noticed that I'm not spending much time recapping these stories. I just can't be bothered - these books are nice to look at but pretty disappointing.

What's even crazier to me is that, once again, the Legion is part of a cross-over that could be a vehicle to get more eyes on the book and keep them. I know that most comic fans at the time are just buying copies of whatever cross-over is happening and don't really care about the content, but even if you were able to convince 10% of those new buyers to stay, you'd help your book keep going.

These 1,000,000 books are really the last death rattle of the titles before they fire everyone and Legion Lost starts. Once again, they get their sales numbers close to 30,000 (just like issue #100) and then crater back to just over 20,000... and the numbers keep dropping.

Let's be honest - these are just two more fill-in issues with 1,000,000 slapped all over it. There is no reason for anyone to read them, let alone anyone looking for a reason to try out the Legion. I hope the mini-series that inspired this was better written than these were.

LSH #110 

We're back to regular continuity and a new penciller, so that's good, right?

Let me start off this issue's review by talking about Captain Marvel. Sorry, Shazam. Which, when you think about it, is literally the worst name you could call yourself... Every time you introduce yourself, you change back into Billy Batson. Just silly.

Regardless, I have always felt that Captain Marvel should exist in his own section of the universe and not join the rest of the DCU unless absolutely necessary. I think the whole concept is so steeped in the 1950's, and has been so deconstructed by Alan Moore that it's been made moot, that it's tough to pull it into any comic universe and make it make sense. I know that there is a lot of history, and nostalgia, with the characters, but I just find that they really struggle to work when interacting with other super-heroes. I mean, how does Batman work with someone who says "Golly" and is written like a teenager from the 1950's?

So when I see that they're introducing a new character from that universe, named Thunder, and they're going to be a new Legionnaire, I'm not happy.

This whole thing really reads like fan fiction. I know that most comic books are, essentially, fan fiction, but this reads a lot different. The fact that her name is Cece Beck, which is the same name as the man who created Captain Marvel, just screams that the inventor of all this stuff (who I believe, in this case, is Jerry Ordway) isn't trying to tell a good story but pay homage to the creation and creator.

We have Fawcett World, named after the company that originally published Captain Marvel. We have villains and heroes that are all based on long-forgotten characters. We have everything looking like it was designed in the 1950's and never changed. And we have yet another orphan. And this is all supposed to take place in the 30th Century.

Nothing fits in with the Legion. I've long been complaining that this book doesn't actually feel like it takes place in the future and this issue just further cements it. The more you tie it directly to the past, to the DCU of the 20th Century, the more it misses out on what makes it special.

Worse, Thunder is just a boring character. There's nothing original or interesting. She's just another blonde super-strong heroine... why not just bring back Andromeda?

Legionnaires #67 

We get a very nice surprise Chris Sprouse cover, so I'm even happy.

We start off with Kono and her new job - crystal thief. I don't know if I've brought up these thoughts regarding Kono before, but here goes:

• I've always considered her a character that just didn't need to exist. When she was introduced in the 5YL series, we already had a person who could phase through solid objects, so her powers weren't anything new. She was written as, to be blunt, a sexist jerk, and we already had tons of those in comics...
• I don't know the purpose of having her show up in the PZH Legion because they're already overloaded with characters, you already have writers complaining there are too many characters, and I can't imagine there were a bunch of fans clamoring for her return... especially when there are other Legionnaires we wanted to see.
• Also, turning her into a villain, or a reformed villain, wouldn't really make anyone happy. There is so much they could do with her as one of the few Sklarians left in the universe, but they completely drop the ball on this one.

Under the "I guess this is character development" section, we see Ultra Boy test drive a "car" with Apparition and Element Lad and then gets Tinya's permission to buy it. This just makes so little sense that I can't believe they wasted three pages on this.

We also get multiple pages showing that Star Boy's powers are still all good... so that was something... The only positive here was that they actually let Element Lad act like a normal, helping person for once, even though Star Boy didn't seem to actually want to get his help. I don't get where this subplot is going and I have no idea why they're spending so much time on it.

Finally, on page 10, we get to the actual story. We're back at the Crystal Caverns (where Kono was stealing something before) and it suffers the first cave-in ever. Throw in a missing 10-year-old and we have a job for the Legion.

Star Boy, Element Lad, and Ferro arrive, just by pure coincidence, and they start to investigate. Continuing with the "is this character development?", we get the random thoughts from Ferro, who wonders if his parents ever cared about him before swearing to save the missing child, and Element Lad, who wonders whether he should tell the grieving parents that "death is merely the ultimate transformation of body and soul." I know they're trying to write him as being a space hippy, but couldn't they give him a little empathy? Or some ability to connect with others?

And if you think they couldn't make Element Lad less relatable and likeable, when they encounter a problem and Star Boy's penetravision stops working, Jan figures they should just stop and maybe the boy isn't meant to be found. Luckily for all of us, the writers decide to have Jan actually save the boy by actually using his powers the way they're meant to be used. Wow... this was so very, very stupid. I know they're trying to turn Jan into someone completely different from the rest of the team, but they've somehow managed to turn him into a character who has worse people skills than Brainiac 5.1.

We end with Element Lad saying that they need to find the vandal who caused all the damage that led to the collapse (Kono, of course) and Star Boy, whose powers stopped working properly, finally realizing he needs help.

Wow... this has been a rough week... please don't comment on how it gets worse from here. I'm just hoping something is good next week.

Our next Legionnaire in the spotlight... Bouncing Boy!!!

This is another tough one. Kinda like Triad/Triplicate Girl, my memories of this character are tied to after they stopped being Legionnaires and retired to be married. They would show up from time to time, help out when needed, have the occasional, usually badly-written, solo adventure, and then fade back into the shrubbery.

Having said that, I will always argue that Chuck deserved his spot on the team more than a few other members (cough...Tenzil...cough) and his powers were far better than most writers gave him credit for. Cyclops has made an entire career out of being an expert in geometry and angles - why not Bouncing Boy?

• Is it possible he has the worst origin story ever? I mean, drinking from the wrong bottle while ditching work to go to a game is up there. Can we think of anything worse?
• It is really weird going back and reading his early adventures, when his weight is literally the only thing they want to focus on. What's even stranger is that, compared to how a lot of people look today, he's not exactly overweight anymore.
• His relationship with Luornu has always been... unique... let's look at the strangeness of their partnership:
  • She really only started dating him because she had been rejected by everyone else she had a crush on.
  • In fact, he basically just stood around and watched others save her, even when they got married. They wouldn't even let Chuck be the hero at his own wedding!
  • In the early 70's, the writers and artists were making it fairly obvious that Chuck was having threesomes with both of Luornu's selves. Nothing a kid would've noticed, but stunningly obvious as an adult.
  • When they finally put them in charge of the Legion Academy, it was welcomed by all the readers and a great way to finally make them part of the Legion... kinda... they were a couple, but all the trainees knew that Luornu was running the show and Chuck just stayed in the background and ran the tech.
  • I mentioned this in a previous column, but the whole battle with the Time Trapper, where Luornu sacrificed one of her selves to get revenge for the death of Superboy, just left me with such a bad taste in my mouth regarding Chuck. He wasn't just being moved to the background again. He was basically accepting that his wife loved someone else more than him. And always had. He took it, without even trying to stand up for himself. He was, once again, the supportive husband who accepted that he wasn't the most important man in his own marriage. Just a horrible way to handle this.
  • Having Luornu cheat with Gim during volume 4 was just offensive. But once again, Chuck did nothing. He might also be the most pathetically-written super-hero of all time.
• I actually quite like what they did with Chuck in the PZH Legion. Placing him in a supporting role, working on the HQ, and being the architectural genius was a great way to place him near the action but not have to explain why he could be a Legionnaire. I would've loved to have seen him get powers but not use them unless he had to, but you can't get everything.
• All in all, I really wish they could've done more with Chuck. I remember reading people talk about Tenzil as the Legionnaire who most exemplified who they are and what kind of bravery it took to be a part of the team. I kinda feel the same way about Bouncing Boy.

Anyway, that's it for this week! Fingers crossed that next week is just a tiny bit better. There was really only one halfway decent story here, so we have to be able to do better than that, right?